March 30, 2012

Nothing could prepare me for the phone call I received on March 30, 2012. I was having a lazy day and wasn't in a very good mood for whatever reason. It was cold and cloudy outside. I was watching the show "Awake" on my ipad and Eva was playing with toys when my mom called. I thought it was just the usual call from my mom checking up on how I was doing. So I ignored it. The show was about a minute from being over. As soon as it finished I called her back. My mom was shaking in her voice, "Ali, dad might be dead." I asked what was going on and she said that my dad was out target shooting with my brothers when he had what they thought was a heart attack and collapsed. My oldest brother started CPR on him, my other brother called 911 and my other brother gave my Dad a blessing. The ambulance came and had shocked my dad 3 times. I told my mom that I didn't know what to say or do. I was helpless. The only thing I felt I could do was pray. She said, "me too." And we hung up the phone.

All I could say in my prayer was, "Please don't take my dad, please don't take my dad." Then I called Lincoln and told him. All he could say was, "Are you serious?" After I hung up the phone my brother Davin called me. He said "Ali, dad is dead." And then he broke down. My only response was, "Are you sure, are you sure? Did they try everything they could do? Was there nothing else they could do?" Then my mom called, I told her I was going to get there as fast as I could. I called Lincoln and he had already booked me a flight. (thank goodness for sky miles!) I needed to be at the airport in an hour. The next couple of hours were a blur. I somehow sent some emails to cancel my pilates classes, packed, got on a plane and cried hysterically for almost the entire flight to NYC. The flight from NYC to SLC was a little smoother. Eva fell asleep and I took the time to write about my dad in my journal. I still couldn't believe he was gone.

As soon as I arrived in Utah it seemed like time slowed down. I asked my family to give me every single detail of what happened and then we went to bed. My eyes were so puffy that next day. The tears never really stopped flowing. But somehow I put myself together enough to go to the mortuary with my mom. We were both a mess, but I was able to hold things up a little more than my mom. I was able to take notes about everything that we had to do: write the obituary, remember to bring them Dad’s temple clothes, get the program ready for the funeral, etc. My mom just kept saying, “oh Ali I am so glad you are here. It didn’t seem that long ago when I was here with my mom doing the same thing you are when my dad died.” We picked out my dad’s casket together. We knew exactly which one—the silver one because to my mom it looked like gun, and to me it looked like a shiny new car. We knew dad would love it.

Over the next couple of days I saw many changes occur in my mom. She was deeply overcome with sorrow, yet simultaneously she was glowing with love. I saw a love that she had for my dad like I have never seen before. And with that love came a renowned sense of faith. Her heart was broken. The love of her life was taken unexpectedly from her, yet she stayed strong. And she strengthened all of us. She found a deep sense of peace knowing that it was incredibly important to my dad that he provided for our family. Why would that change now? She believed our dad wouldn’t leave us unless some way, somehow things would work out.

When someone dies a lot of people say, "I am so grateful for the plan of Salvation and to know that there is a purpose to this life and that there is life after death." I whole heartedly agree, yet the statement didn't give me much comfort. It didn't take the pain away. What gave me more comfort was not only the knowlegdge but the understanding that dad was still with us. And as my mom said, "to look for all the miracles that demonstrate he is still here."

When my friend's dad died a couple of months ago she told me that when someone dies it is so important to keep your eyes open. "The veil is thin" as she said. And if you are aware of the subtleties you will see things, and hear things and feel things that will give you understanding and show you that the spirit lives on.

There are too many miracles to write down on this post. And many of them are too private for such a public place. But I can tell you one thing, my dad is still with me.

When I saw his body in that casket there was something missing. It didn't even look like him. His spirit wasn't there. And I was surprised that I felt my dad more with me than I did seeing him in that casket.

Don't get me wrong. There is a hole in my life now that will never be filled. This has been one of the hardest experiences I have ever gone through, yet at the same time it has been one of the most loving and spiritual experiences I have ever gone through.