Grief Bursts and Heavenly Bursts

My mom calls them grief bursts. 
They usually come out of nowhere. You are going about with your usual day to day activities, and all the sudden it hits you. It is like someone just came up to you and punched you in the stomache. Something reminded you that your dad is gone and he is not coming back. No matter how hard you try you can't stop the tears from coming. 
So you cry. 
Then you take a couple of deep breaths. 
And you pick yourself up and continue the best you can. Still feeling a little bit sore. 


Like the other day when I was eating breakfast and I thought I would ask my dad if my grandma kept a journal. And then it hit me, that I couldn't ask him that. Because he is gone. And I broke down. 

Or the time when I was sitting in sacrament meeting on Father's day. I had almost forgotten that I didn't have a dad that was alive anymore. And then someone in sacrament meeting mentioned how much their dad meant to him. Ouch. I wasn't expecting how much that one would hurt. 


Or when I was talking to my mom about her day and she told me that she packed up my dad's clothes. He really isn't coming back is he?

Then on the other hand there are what I would like to call heavenly bursts.


It is the times when I know that my dad is with me. I can't see him. I can't necessarily hear him. But I can feel him. And just like grief bursts, sometimes they come out of nowhere. Sometimes they make me happy, sometimes they give me needed instruction, sometimes it is comfort that it brings, and other times it causes great joy and makes me cry. 

Fatherhood is an eternal calling. And I honestly feel my father's influence in my life now more than ever through these "heavenly bursts." 


Elder Scott explained it perfectly in the last conference when he quoted Joseph F. Smith:
“I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.” Joseph F. Smith, in Conference Report, Apr. 1916, 2–3

The heavenly bursts come to me at times when I am not expecting it. Like the time when I was in the temple with my brothers, reading the scriptures about baptism when all the sudden it felt like my dad entered the room. He popped into my mind out of nowhere. And I whispered, "Dad, you are here aren't you?" And he responded with a thought that came to my mind, in my own voice and said, "Of course I am here, look!" And I turned and saw all 4 of my brother's sitting next to me. Of course he was there. 

 

Then there was the time that Lincoln's brothers and sister were here visiting DC. We all decided to go to the Air and Space museum together. Out of all the places in DC, the Air and Space museum remindes me of my dad the most. He LOVED that museum. I was a little emotional as we entered the museum, which in turn made me really impatient with Lincoln. I was so frustrated with him and just said, "Lincoln, I am so mad at you!" Then I heard my dad say in my mind, "Don't take this out on him." So I took a deep breath and apologized and explained that I was just missing my dad. Lincoln gave me a hug. And I know he appreciated my father's council. 

This 4th of July was hard for my mom and brothers. My dad really enjoyed the 4th and we enjoyed spending time with him at the parades, festivals and fireworks. I have missed being in Utah to celebrate the 4th of July these past couple of years. But this 4th of July was honestly one of my favorites. I got the best of both worlds. Literally :) Lincoln, Eva and I had a really good time biking into the city and enjoying the parade in DC and going to the American History Museum. We had a nice BBQ and then went back into the city for the fireworks. We went to the Lincoln monument and saw the fireworks up close. They were huge and spectacular. Music was playing in the background. Even Eva loved it. And I could almost hear my dad "Ooohing, and Ahhing" at the fireworks with us. I know he loved celebrating the 4th of July in the national's capitol. I imagined him bragging about how awesome it is. That day I could also feel my Grandpa with me. His birthday was the 4th of July. What better way to celebrate than by enjoying the fireworks in DC. 

Last night I had a really hard night. I ate something that gave me sharp pains in my stomach. I went downstairs to try and eat something to make it better, but I just felt more sharp pains. I prayed for comfort, and immediately I felt my dad. Just like when I was little and sick he would wake up and run to the store and get medicine, or give me a blessing when needed. My dad was with me, comforting me, helping me the best he could. 


My friend Heather says that recognizing these heavenly bursts in your life is a gift. A spiritual gift.  


"And again, I exhort you, my brethren, that ye deny not the^agifts of God, for they are many; and they come from the same God. And there are ^bdifferent ways that these gifts are administered; but it is the same God who worketh all in all; and they are given by the manifestations of the ^cSpirit of God unto men, to profit them....
"And again, to another, the {gift of} beholding of angels and ministering spirits." (Moroni 10: 8, 14)


And it is true. It is a gift. A gift that was given to me when my father was taken away from me. My mom has it too. 

This morning as I was lying down on the ground, still not feeling very well, and Eva was playing with toys right next to me I imagined what it must have been like for my dad to die. How surprised I am sure he was. How worried he must have been about us. And I know that he had a hard time with it. Until the Lord showed him his plan for him and my family. He must have showed him that for whatever reason my dad can do more for our family on the other side than he could alive. So he decided that the plan was best, and he knew he had to die. But then I imagined that Heavenly Father told him, "But don't worry. I am also giving your family a gift. They will know that you are with them. The will feel your presence if they choose to believe."


So, as much as the grief bursts hurt I am grateful for those heavenly bursts that heal.